Yesterday, in the process of decluttering my office bookshelves, I came across a journal that I hadn’t picked up or written in for a very long time.

It’s a gorgeous Kelly Rae Roberts journal that I’d bought for myself and started using back in 2013, when my marriage ended.

And although there were only a handful of entries, and I’d never used the journal regularly like I’d planned to (as a “Journal of Healing … Possibility … Creativity … LOVE … and Exploration), there was this:

When I loved myself enough …

♥  I  ♥

~  became my own best friend
~  treated myself with the same compassion I would have for others
~  forgave myself for the hurtful things I’ve done … and let go of guilt
~  slowed down when I needed to slow down
~  created space in my life for creativity
~  created space in my life for nature
~  let go of needing everyone else’s approval and understanding
~  believed that I deserve to be loved
~  believed that I deserve happiness
~  understood that there are some things I don’t have the power to change
~  believed that despite the pain and struggle I am where I’m meant to be
~  believed that I am loved immensely
~  understood that there are gifts and lessons in my pain
~  knew how important it is for me to create. and create. and create!

♥ ♥ ♥

I wrote this journal entry just ten weeks into that new chapter in my life, newly separated after sixteen years of marriage, now a single mum to three beautiful, hurting kids. Financially and emotionally responsible for the first time for not just myself but also my newly shaped family.

I wrote then the same way that I’d been writing out my goals for years – projecting forward to a future time, when that distant goal might be my reality.

Hope, optimism … and ignorant bliss!

Back then, I thought the journey to rediscovering myself, and to loving myself, might take a year … maybe two years at most.

Friends had told me how, years down the track after their marriages ending, they were only just starting to settle and to feel that the worst was behind them. But me, I was optimistic. (And, looking back now, SO very naive!)

My relief at being free from a soul-crushing marriage,  and my determination that I would not let my ex-husband steal another moment of my joy, gave me what I know now was a false sense of hope … of ignorant bliss!

I’m kind of glad I didn’t know back then how hard it would be – and how long it would take. Because I needed that hope, optimism and naivete to fuel me and keep me moving forward.

Making hard choices … and business as a ‘calling’

These past seven years have been hard. Some years more than others.

I’ve made hard choices. I’ve moved away from friends, moved to a new area (which we LOVE, but where I knew no one), and given myself permission to focus on my business and my health and not to feel pressured to work for someone else again right now.

I’ve made the choice to fully pursue my dream of creating The Resource Cafe.

I say that, but to be honest with you pursuing my business dreams hasn’t felt like a ‘choice’ to me.

Of course it is. I can always choose! But most times it feels much more like a ‘calling’.

For me (and I know this is true for many women), pursuing my business vision and dreams is “the thing I can’t not do”.

Personal growth and transformation

But it’s the pursuit of my business goals and dreams that has motivated me (and at times even forced me) to face up to all my ‘stuff’ and to allow this personal growth and transformation.

This past year has been the hardest, no doubt about it. But, it’s also been, without question, the year that I’ve experienced the most growth.

This past year I’ve tapped and I’ve journaled, then I’ve journaled and tapped some more.

I’ve barefoot beach walked through water almost up to my knees, like a true beach hippie or aspiring mermaid, soaking in the sunset at every opportunity.

I’ve breathed, and I’ve meditated, and I’ve worked through some really hard, painful memories and obstacles with an amazing wellness coach.

Some days, self-care is the ‘work’

There are days, it would be fair to say, where working on my self, spending time on my self-care and growth practices, has actually been my day’s work.

Days like last Friday, when my afternoon looked like this:

The entrepreneurial journey – a vehicle for personal growth

What I see when I look back over these past seven years, since I wrote that journal entry, is just how much this entrepreneurial journey has been the vehicle for my personal growth.

Just a couple of weeks back, my son and I were having a conversation a couple about how much I’ve struggled over the years to create and grow my business and to achieve my financial goals.

Not to scare him (or you!), but because it’s been my truth, I explained as best I could that creating this business has been SUCH hard work, because I’ve had to face (and continue to face, daily) the self-doubts, anxieties, fears and limiting beliefs that I’ve successfully – or not! – been hiding under the surface for so many years.

I’ve had to face (and continue to face) my fears of visibility and of showing up, feelings of undeservingness … all the money mindset and self-worth issues that impact my own (and so many other women’s) ability to successfully and easily earn an income.

And honestly, not to put you off, because this journey is amazing and SO worth it, but it really has been incredibly hard work at times – particularly for me over this past year.

There’s been a LOT of chocolate, Netflix, Hallmark movies and trash TV binges (!!) … between intense, excruciating days and weeks of looking hard at the things that have held me back – and the things that still hold me back.

While I’ve read many times this idea that having your own business and entrepreneurship is the “fastest path to personal growth”, there’s been nothing fast about this for me!

For me this journey is a slow one – often unbearably, painfully slow.

Seven years on …

Now though, seven years on from writing that journal entry, I barely recognise the woman I was when I wrote it.

And I guarantee, she would not recognise me. She wouldn’t recognise the true peace and joy that I’ve found, or the life that my kids and I have created.

Back then, those ideas of what my life would be like “When I loved myself enough …” were just words on paper.

Today, re-reading that 2013 journal, I know that, although I still have much to work on and more love for myself to discover, they’re not just words anymore. Now, this is my life!

This journey has changed us, me and that younger version of myself.

And I wouldn’t change any of it!